Custody and parenting arrangements

 This whole single parent custody, it was all new and it didn't really, i had not been here before, you know, I didn't feel like it came with an instruction packet, so I didn't really know what to do. My job is to work with you and see if I can help you come.

Mediation provides an opportunity for parents to work out their custody and parenting arrangements. There's three really important issues that we need to cover in each session. One is the concept of legal custody, the second is the concept of physical custody,and then the third, of course, is the custodial schedule. The court would like to have people write comprehensive schedules,schedules that are detailed, for how parents are going to spend time with their children. It really depends. 

For younger kids it might be a schedule that enables them to remain with the primary caregiver and spend time with the other parent, maybe three or four days a week for a few hours at a time. As the children get older, or they're already used to overnights, everybody defines their weekend in a unique way. Some parents, a weekend is from after soccer on Saturday until after dinner on Sunday. Another type of issue that we often see is move away requests, where one parents is looking to move out of the area with the kids.

As the parent, well, what is the judge grants the mother to move away in New York? He was able to come up with his own timeshare in that specific scenario. And vice versa, the moving parent, what if the judge says that the child has to stay back here? What then?And they were able to come up with their own timeshares. We will address what if the child is sick and can't leave to meet another parent at an exchange?What do we under those circumstances? We also address emergency situations. And how to address all of those different everyday parenting issues when you're living in two different homes.

In California either parent can have custody of the children, or the parents can share custody. Joint legal custody is for parents who want to share in the health and education decisions for their children. Parents who have joint legal custody often select schools, daycare providers, and counselors together. If one parent has sole legal custody then that parent makes those decisions alone. When parents have joint physical custody children live a great deal of time with each parent,not necessarily 50-50, although it can mean 50-50. Sole physical custody means that a child lives with one parent and spends significantly less amount of time with the other parent. What we're trying to accomplish is making sure that both Mom and Dad have time in an appropriate way with their children. And every child and every family is unique. There's not a presumption that the mother should have custody.

There's not a presumption that the father should have custody. There's only a presumption that they should have joint custody if the two of them agree about that. So for every family there needs to be a unique plan, and sometimes that plan has to be precise for each child.

My concern was that, as is sometimes the case, that I was not, i was not going to have time with my daughter. Her concern, as is sometime the case, was that I would not want to have time with my daughter, and she wanted to have a life. And we were able to mutually agree that we both really had to stay away from anger, you know,and really behave like adults, which is challenging at times, even when you are an adult.

Family intervention and introduction

We feel upset because we cry a lot. We feel sad and mad and angry. We were surprised and shocked when we heard the news. I used to feel sad, but now I feel mad and sad, and sometimes a little crazy. Most of us feel some amount of confusion about what is happening in our families and confusion about how we feel.

As a six-year-old I was just confused, and I was wondering how my life was going to change. And I didn't have any siblings to go through it with so I kind of had to do it on my own. I was confused a lot, but until I was maybe 12, it was just "go with the flow. "The voices you just heard are a tiny sample of the millions of children who have experienced changes in their family that also involve the family court. Whether parents have been married and are now separating or divorcing,or whether parents have never been married and need to make custody arrangements regarding their children,the court system in California is designed to assist families through this sometimes overwhelming experience. It was difficult watching my daughter go through various levels of grief. 

It took some years, it was frustrating at times,but I hung in there, as did her mother, and we kept everything about the best out come for our daughter. California law requires that parents attend mediation if they do not agree about custody or parenting time with their children. This process is referred to as Child Custody Recommending Counseling in some courts.

Mediation and Child Custody Recommending Counseling are similar in most ways. My name's Dan.  How are you? I'm going to be your mediator today. Mediation is a process in which parents spend time with a neutral, specially trained professional who will listen to their concerns and help them develop a parenting plan that meets the needs of their family. What bothered me the most was that I wouldn't get to see my daughter every day, and that kind of weighed on me.

When parents first come to court it's scary, and anxiety is heightened,and people are just not able to focus like they normally would in every day circumstances. They have a fair amount of pessimism about what can possibly be achieved in there, and when you think about it it makes sense,because people come to court precisely because they can't talk, and then the first thing they're told to do is please go and try to talk. So as mediators we try to acknowledge those feelings and recognizing, as well, that people do heal.

We want to give them an opportunity to consider all kinds of options and an opportunity to come up with their own plan that they can develop and custom-fit to the needs of their children, focusing not on Mom's rights or Dad's,but, again, getting both parents to channel that energy into what's best for the kids.

Most courts in California have a Family Court Services program or other mediation programto help parents mediate their parenting concerns. What I explain to parents is that there are three goals in mediation.  The first goal is to try to help them come up with a plan. The second goal is that that plan needs to be in the child's best interest, so it's not necessarily what either parent may want,but it's what's going to be best for the child. The third goal is to help the parents reduce acrimony and bitterness between them, so that the children won't suffer as a result. Child custody mediation is conducted by court mediators who are skilled professionals in the field of psychology, marriage and family child counseling, or social work.

By statutory requirements everyone is trained in the area of domestic violence,the impact of domestic violence on children, also substance abuse, family dynamics, issues of child abuse…A lot of us have experience in the field working either as therapists with families, with kids…Because of our education and training, we're able to navigate some of those very difficult situations that parents and children face.